Save me Jebus
Posted on Sunday 15th April 2007
Another Simpsons reference for those who think the title is a typo. It is a suggestion for Laurel to yell during labour.
This post is intended to be a warning for her and all women of child-bearing age. If I could offer you only one tip for the future – avoiding Madwives would be it. The long-term benefits of avoiding madwives has been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience (plagarism from Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen) – Baz Luhrman this time).
Midwives are all insane. I don’t mean they are just unhinged, but stark raving mad in the B-movie scientist mode. They have convinced themselves, and scores of expectant mothers, that experiencing severe pain is desirable. It is dressed up as being “natural”, but I got the impression it is actually out of a sadistic pleasure in seeing people scream. In the modern era of medicine you wouldn’t undergo a dental extraction or hernia repair without anaesthetic, yet midwives think painful childbirth is acceptable.
The facts are simple: Epidurals in the hands of trained practitioners are entirely safe and effective. They are not associated with an increased rate of Caesarian section, fetal abnormalities or global warming. The needle is only 8cm long of which only about 5cm will be in, and with adequate local anaesthesia should be almost entirely painless. I would offer to do it myself if you are willing to pay my airfare!
As Withnail would have demanded: “We want the finest epidurals available to humanity, we want them here and we want them now”.
Ha ha, believe me Rick I need absolutely no convincing either of the madwives issue or the efficacy of epidurals, of which I am even more convinced of the necessity having recently attended antenatal classes. Yes I have now an idea of just how big a fully dilated cerivx is – yikes, didn’t think I could actually fit that inside me!
Anyway, if humour prevails once I find myself in the oh so sympathetic environs of the LRI then I may well attempt to quote from Withnail, otherwise there will just be a Godawful amount of swearing, pleading and crying until they give me one just to “shut the noisy bitch up!” Watch this space!
Loz xXx
try having to work with madwifes everyday. they are a law into themselves. However there repetativeness is the most anoyiny of all. Should i ever go into labour i have no intention of listening to them say ‘ chin on your chest and push’ like a broken record. Do they think that once ladies go into labour they go deaf and are unable to comprehending one sentence, the except to the rule if you live in coalville!!! I think i will bring a cd of all my friends saying it, much more inspiring than their monotentous tones. But preferably give me an epidural and a c section any day.